So one exam is so utterly flunked it's almost funny.

But the other one was aced, yes, thankyouVERYmuch. I even got to spew all my opinions on why humanity needs religion in the essay, and I know he likes those because I spewed them all over the place in class, and I knew all the answers on the multiple choice so THE EXAM WAS TERRIFIC.

And then I came home. I've been interspersing packing with rewarding myself for packing by playing on the web. I chatted to Crystal and she let me peak at Warrior!Victoria and French-speaking!Kingsley and drool a lot. And now it is my second break and I have decided to do a meme, because it is something I haven't had time to do in a long time.

I never did The nickname meme ).

Back to the harness. I have too much stuff.
I hate these things.

I also hate the fact that my roommate's boyfriend is still here. It's nearly one in the morning and yes, these dorms do have a curfew for male visitors, and I can't concentrate with them talking over there.

Why am I such a coward? I don't even have the incredibly cliche line, "C'mon, girl, you're a Gryffindor," to help me. I should say something...I have an eight o'clock exam I'm not prepared for, I really need to focus and I can't focus with a strange man in my room, especially at one o'clock.

There! I said it. Now I just have to get him out. It always takes him half an hour to go once he's been told to go.

But I did say something. And I'm proud of myself.

Now to go back to panicking over exams, thank you, why didn't I drop Botany when I had the chance? I am such an idiot.
And so, because eating something today would mean leaving this chair right now, I am updating.

Today we learned about descriptive clauses--which I can't remember the official term for, any guesses, my helpful grammar freak friends?--in Latin, which means the sentences are going to get more complicated. I am, as always, thrilled.

And then I read a little CC because I haven't in a long time, and got wierd looks from people who found my sniggering odd. Can I help it if the woman is irresistably amusing?

And Beth, I'm in for a chat, I haven't been in one properly in AGES, so buzz me...I may be invisible.

And now watch: I'm going to leave the chair.
Special squidging to everyone who sent love and ear-offers last night-- )

Especially to Rox--who really is the absolute angel of mercy, common sense, and psychotherapy--who sat me down, talked me sensible, and let me overflow all over her.

Amiel--who gives advice he doesn't follow but is so amusing. You were just the ballast I needed for the serious tear-inducing emotional overdrive that was going on in my other convo.

And TC--who, although she was "too late," was there, and had a fun conversation to share with me.

So the scales are shaking more towards sticking around here, but being really scared about it. I've been praying and thinking and that's the way they're tilting. Let's keep it up.
Please? Anybody? Making major life choice, must be made by Thursday evening, completely lost in a sea of self-doubt and reorganisation of priorities.

The problem )

I just...I need someone I trust to babble to. If anybody's got the time? Ping me on YIM. I'll be invisible least until I finish my beta work...but I need to talk to somebody. My head is all mixed up.
Quick update:

First Latin quiz I am positive I did not get one thing wrong on.

Rode shuttle up to airport w/ professor, who was interesting. Rode airplane w/ hyperactive three-yr-old, who was adorable. Took later flight in exchange for $200 voucher.

Got to see people and it was so good. I've missed them so.

Apologies to Andrea, who I meant to IM back but ran out of time to.

You will not be seeing much of me, on chat or boards or other things, till the 21st, as that is when I go back to the life with no fleshy friends. While I'm here, my time is devoured by people who make noise when they talk to dearest friends and fam.

Bethy, darling, I know you're busy, but if you could find the time to beta???? I need time between that and the deadline to do last-minute followings of your advice.

Could and should say so much more, but it's late and I'm drop-over-dead tired. Willy try to be better tomorrow.
I chatted w/ the CM crowd for a bit. The computer lab kicked me out because I was trying to talk on my cell to Ads and Liz at the same time, and I really can't blame them, although it meant I missed Claire's reaction to some of the stuff I wish I'd been there for.

Ady's working on the comic version of BD (Tiff)'s Viktor Krum's Arm story. She was working on it while we were talking...I love listening in on someone in the midst of the creative process. Liz told me some long stories and was amusing. I called Amelia (and Colin and Kimi were there) but no one really said anything fascinating. That's okay...keeping in touch is important. Colin seems to be under the impression that the phone is not meant for anything other than succinct information exchanges.

Then I got back on and we had more pointless conversation. I love you guys!

The Ronathon stuff is quite fun...although I'm cross with a few people because they requested stuff I squick at and so authors I love I'm not reading their latest stuff. *small hmph* Ah, well. (And just for the record, Annie was screwed over. She has my sympathy.)

I think I flunked my Botany exam, which is not good, but if I'd studied nonstop all weekend I couldn't have passed it (I did study, I studied a lot, it just didn't help). Now I'm waiting for Latin...I should be translating, but I'm having one of those days where it feels as though the blood is sloshing in your veins and I can't seem to concentrate on anything.
Today was a good day to start out perfect, grey and misty; Latin fun if incredibly difficult (two comPLETEly abnormal pronouns to memorise the declensions of); even Success sit-through-able.

Then I got my Nat. check and put it on my card so I could finally buy books; unfortunately, had to put the WHOLE THING on there. I only needed another fifty or so for my books and had to put 300 on, so that makes 250 that I'll have to not only spend but be able to give sensible acct of to my father. I did indulge myself a bit, got a Latin dictionary which wasn't required but is nice; a book of new quotes in Latin (total frivol, but so fun!) and couple of Pratchetts.

I went to the library and looked up mnemonic stuff. Got out when it decided to rain in earnest and the stupid umbrella turned inside out. To quote Montgomery's Anne, "It is when my umbrella turns out that I lose all faith in inanimate objects," although I would make that cheap Target inanimate objects. I've got to buy another, we've got spring, which = rainy season, coming up.

When I got back things started rolling downhill. You don't want the details, but I am suddenly being violently and painfully ill. I had to get out of the shower a couple of times, and when I got out for good I realised that I didn't have my towel in there with me. Opened the door without my glasses on to grab a blanket to wrap around me (I'm not sure how much was showing) and then came all the way in to look for the towel. I'm so blind w/out my glasses...I thought Lucy was lying on her bed talking on the phone. She was lying on the bed with Scott while I a) stood there without ANYTHING on to grab the blanket, and b) was wrapped in the towel. I didn't even realise it until Lucy said something and made him get out.

I'm still being ill...I don't know what to do. Jay will NOT be at all happy if I miss class tomorrow...I have the stupid oral rpt due, for one...but I'm not sure I can walk across campus without needing access to a loo. It had better improve before tomorrow.
Have just got back from building poetry night. In a word: interesting.

That word means nothing anymore. Ha!

There were five or six others there, plus the FiRs. They all wrote serious poetry, and then I read "Eulogy." It was nice to make people laugh.

One of the guys had real talent...he was quite, quite, quite good. Another had a lot of potential and I hope he really works with it because it could be lovely if he keeps going. One guy clearly had serious negative-attention issues, but apparently all the others were regulars and knew how to handle him (thank Cimorene).

We got into kind of a discussion after we'd been round the circle twice, and that was fun, too. It was nice to talk to intelligent people. Good guy pointed me to a new musician, too, who I intend to investigate.
Do not like this. Is unnatural. Also am SO behind on boards/flist/e-mail...came back and have 19! new reviews filling my e-mail inbox.

Cassandra and Kim kidnapped me to watch a chick flick and eat brownies and we had a darling time. I'd like to get to know Abigail's crowd better, they remind me of us.

Did laundry 'til four-thirty. Know will not make 10 o'clock activity if go to sleep now so am eating lots of sugar and catching up on web and showering instead. Eh, it works.

Ady's fic finally got Council approval...YAY! Evybdy go read the new CM fic by Adalanne...she wrote a prequel to Quid Quid. And I'm not just saying this because I know and adore her, or because it's a prequel to mine: it's adorable. If you liked Quid Quid at ALL, you'll like it.
Hoopla! I was accepted as a CM beta! Yes! *drools over the prospect* This is going to be SO much fun...not to mention the fact that it is a nice resume plumper.

In sadder news...I'm back. I have promised to try, socially and academically and all the rest of it...and if I still want to come home at the end of the semester I can. But for the next four months...I'm back.

Thank you, all my darling Council friends, for having that e-mail arrive at just the opportune moment...if I hadn't had something to be elated about I would be really, really depressed right now.
My brain is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead like a pig past butchering day. It’s been slaughtered, squealing piteously, its throat exposed to harsh steel and slit in gushings of blood, until there was only a drained husk of a flabby carcass left.

They hauled it, banging across the ground, through dust and mud and stale pools of its own urine before scalding it and scraping off its protective layers. They hacked it crudely into hunks that could be encased in plastic and labeled. They grilled it slowly over coals straight from Hell’s infernoes, occasionally poking a knife into it, until all the juices that were once lifeblood were cooked away.

They carved it into bits and put it into their jaws and ground and ground it between their incisors and enveloped it in their dissolving saliva until it could be squeezed down long, muscley tubes into a pit of acid, its last remaining value sucked down tentacle villi to give sadistic energy to the things that feed off young agonies.

My mind in now a lost, useless lump, sunk in a porcelain bowl, wending its way down to sewers where rats will come to gnaw at it.

My brain is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead as a hog after butchering.
Last anthro class today! Heard all the stuff I've been hearing in the past four weeks crammed into one review session--we could cover so much more than we do, seriously, he takes so much more time than he needs to to communicate the info--

However, highly amused. Teacher says that there was a theorist who noted that good warriors have more children. Teacher phrases it like this: This theorist says that warriors are more likely to marry...I guess because it impresses women...basically, that war is not only a way to get more access to material resources, but to...reproductive resources as well."

I am a reproductive resource. I am a reproductive resource.

Well, I learned something today!
Last night, talking to Mom, I said: Wouldn't you know, as soon as I bought an umbrella, it stopped raining.

Today it poured.

But I had set aside today for a very specific task, and I steeled my heart, and I marched forth to figure out the transit system. Today I rode the N-Main Red line, gaining access to all the essentials: Barnes and Noble, the public library, Alberston's, and Target. Sure, visitng ONE involves at least an hour and a half, adding on another hour for each stop, but HEY!!!

And I GOT TRICKSTER'S CHOICE!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!! *manaical laughter echoes* I'm loving it...I'm almost halfway through, from all the time at bus stops...and it's really good, but I hope it gets even better...

And I got MAXX Comedy too! I'm RICH!!

Actually, I'm not, I'm now poor because I bought two hardbacks and a new purse (Zemenar! I thought it had longer straps, I may have to take it back but I hope not because otherwise it's perfect so I may just buy a new strap, I don't care how odd it looks). But I have to spend over $200 on food tomorrow, AT THE RESTERAUNTS, because meal points don't carry over. I'll be buying milk and candy bars and PopTarts from the Snackbar for, like, the next two months, but I refuse to let all that money we paid go to waste: it's bad enough I haven't used all my meals.

I also need to use up all my cell minutes, so I get to have LONG CONVERSATIONS with my friends tomorrow--YAY!!

The mood below perfectly fits me AND reminds me of the lovely Deflated *bows flippantly to Bluebottlebutterfly*

Now I'm going upstairs to shower and read a LITTLE bit of my book and go to sleep, because if I let myself miss any more Botany I'm going to fail. Oh...I'm going upstairs because Junk is fried from being on all weekend.

Well, that was a cheerful way to end it...I honestly didn't mean to.

Oh! Cheerful note: computer is now named Junction, since it's where all my friends meet, to be called Junk, for short and for obvious reasons.

Well, it wasn't as cheerful as I'd like...
Okay, I have no one to girltalk and be nervous w/ me here, so:

I'm wearing the soft blue skirt my mom bought me--light cordorouy (sp?)--and my VERY slightly brown creamy sweater, and my grey vest w/ the tiny shades-of-blue diamonds pattern. My Moonface earrings and tiny matching charm on my favorite chain. And my nice blue and black sandals. I put my hair in zillions of tiny braids and let it dry for 36 hours, then pulled it half-back into a pretty silver barrette, except for a tiny braid pulled back my ear and then falling over my shoulder.

And I'm describing my outfit because I really don't know exactly what to say except I'm nervous, and excited, and...and...just wish me luck and hug me, you guys...


Yes, it went okay...he's ENTERTAINING, he has real conversations with me, I love this. And I told you about the braid...he came in and asked me if he looked okay, and I said something like you look fine, and then he looked at me and said, "You look great. I especially love this..." and he reached out and picked up my braid and played with it a bit...*happy squeak*

And the play was fantastic, it started out awful but abt a third of the way through it was AMAZING, so...yes, if you ever get a chance to see it done, go see it.

Oh, I am such a GIRL sometimes but I love it. Being gloriously and foolishly feminine. There's nothing like it.
could hear my suitemate crying...loud, wailing, like a baby...I knocked and I asked if I could help and she just started spilling all how she feels and everything...and suddenly in the middle of it was, "And it was a horrible, horrible summer, and I just started cutting myself..."

I'm so glad I was here, I hope I'll always be here...I hate it that there are people in the world who are that kind of despairing...but I won't take it again, I'll be a friend to her, I don't want another Meggie...

*deep breath*: Sorry, I was just being strong for her and I needed to come here and collapse.

I think I can help...I'm so glad I think I can help. She's going through the same kinds of things I have...though never that extreme, thank God, oh thank you, God...

She's got similar problems with her dad, she's having the kinds of troubles that I did in middle/high school, I can hear what she's saying, I can help...

I hope...
Special Note To All: No WAY I’m retyping this, or rephrasing it, or whatever, three times. Therefore, apologies to Amy, who is on both boards, and to those Riddles who read my LJ. I promise you don’t have to read it twice.

August 23, 2003

Dorm, sweet dorm. That’s right, folks. The folks have gone and left me for a little fish in a big, big, big pond. And nobody’s felt so lonely as I, nor ever will again…Okay, enough with the obscure quotes from even more obscure novels which I know I’ve read but can’t place for the life of me.

Here I am. Elucreh A. Hallulat, official Sooner of the Norman campus of the University of Oklahoma. And as soon as I’ve stopped longing desperately for my friends, made some good acquaintances, finished unpacking and decorating (perhaps they WANTED us to feel institutionalized?) and stopped wanting my MOMMY, I’ll be fine. Or so I keep telling myself.

Okay: Official status report: Physically pretty well, though still occasionally getting jolts from the tet shot I got a few days ago. Emotionally drained, confused, dead, wistful…It’s a good thing I’m connected to the Web.

Official backlog: Left for school Wed. night. Only comments are that the Denver airport is INSANE. On the way to the hotel, we stopped at KFC and the guy kept reading my shirt with this really, really bewildered expression: score one for me and the clowns! (Note to those not familiar w/ it, I have a shirt that reads “Your powers are useless. The clowns are on my side.” I was wearing it. And it’s black, and I was in black pants (I’m SORRY—the rest were all packed), so I must have made a pretty weird picture in the airport.

We zipped through everything that Mom and Dad were expecting to spend two days on (lines, appointments, etc.), so I’m basically set. Unpacked the rest of Thursday, shopped for things like bins and cleaner Friday, also saw Seabiscuit, which is good, btw, and spent today sleeping in, attending an idiotic course, and “hanging” with Mom and Dad.

Special comments: I am in French ONE. Why? Sure, I’m a bit rusty, but that placement test was BIZARRE. Note to all my fellow francophones: what in Cimorene’s name is a MENTIL? Anyone? And yes, if it’s completely obvious to the average French student, I will retire, muttering darkly, but I still say it’s ridiculous that I should need to know the French word for dean.

That course was a total waste of time, a social worker’s speech, a “Let’s communicate” atmosphere…totally satirically inspirational, though, so not a dead loss from my point of view. And I met a girl who will at least be someone to wave at.

My roommate is a chatterbox (I am NOT in the privacy of my living quarters, I like things to listen to, but I don’t want to talk), and has shown signs of being a neat freak (c’mon, people, you know me, right?) so that situation is not promising. But I will make the best of it, and I can switch at semester’s end if need be. My suitemates, on the other hand, are darling people with an adorable attitude and a cute sense of humor, so far as has been revealed.

My father is so obsessed with the idea that I’m not going to go to Institute, but will instead fall inactive, marry a drunk, produce five kids on welfare, and let his grandsons sell drugs. I don’t know where he gets these ideas, but I sure as death or taxes know that I wish like ANYTHING I could be someplace in the family but first. He is also still fixated on the idea of my marrying before graduation. PUH-LEASE!!

Speaking of religion, however, church is tomorrow. Everyone seems really nice, so I think I’ll be okay. Oh, I’m so glad to be a member of my church right now…

I am TIRED. I am going to BED.

I love you and miss you all. Take care.


Jun. 28th, 2003 01:19 am
June 24

*choke, gasp* Somebody catch me as I faint.

I just checked my e-mail, and was informed about a "Howdy Week" and was instructed to "get into yOUr world." (For those who missed it--it took me a while--the caps are meant to be the school's intials). It was signed, "Boomer Sooner! *some girl whose name I don't remember*."

HELP! HOW can I be going to NORMAN, OKLAHOMA to become a SOONER??????

How? What the HECK is going on? How did I wing up in this mess?

Amelia: Even if OU offered me a full-ride scholarship, I still wouldn't go. Period. I'm glad though that not only did they give you a full ride but that you also was okay with going. I'm sorry much I wished you had gone to the UM

Me: I thought so too, I thought I was fine w/ it, and then I saw that e-mail and I's so LUDICROUS. So incredibly and...and...ridiculously LUDICROUS.


What the heck did I wind up...

Oh, I am fine with it. Really. But my facades just collapsed. Even my facades to me.

There are so many good points...the money, which is not to be sneezed @, I loved the poetry teacher I met, it's a beautiful campus, and of all the great signs I struck up a conversation w/ a random stranger who turned out to be a WRITER in the airport...

But I keep feeling like I'm heading right back to high school. They're obsessed w/ their football team...they HAVE a "Howdy Week", the whole atmosphere is"Saved by the Bell," I guess. A big part of what I've wanted out of college is to get away from obsession w/ childish "pep rallys" etc...I bet you anything somebody'll be wrestling in condiments/jell-O before I graduate.


I'm whining. I know I'm whining. But this is one of the hard times...


Me: *puzzled expression*--oh wait, there is one: --What is?

Amelia: C'mon, I can see where you're getting at. I mean the thought of doing high school over's more than I can possibly bear. I'd honestly run away from home and live with my dear, logical, calm aunt/uncle in Cottonwood Heights. I think that the fact you're going to have to deal with high school mentalities all over again is a good enough reason if I ever saw one to rant, rave, and, most importantly, whine.

Me: Okay. And thanks...

It just hits me in waves, you know? And today it caught me at neap tide...

All that got me through that WRETCHED spirit assembly was that it was the last I would have to face...and now I'm seriously starting to suspect it isn't...although it won't be as forced, true, but the thought of going back to being surrounded by people who throw themselves into it (and into Jell-O) wholeheartedly is getting me down.

June 27

I never finished the above entry…but I typed it onto the Euphony board, hence the responses. Then we went on to other things, as we often do. Will I ever find ANYONE to beta that for me? It’s only a tiny short fic, it wouldn’t take very long…

Today was…1st) Peaceful; 2nd)Irritating; 3rd) Amazing; 4th) Pleasant.

1st): Woke up late, watched a bit more of Earnest w/ Mom, sent her off, cleaned up the kitchen, and checked up on the boards. Had to leave for orientation in a bit of a rush.

2nd): Orientation was awful. Horrendously boring, redundant, and irritating. It also took, instead of the hour I was expecting at most, FOUR AND A HALF. I had to run home and quick wrap Marie’s present. Amla was late picking me up, but the concert was

3rd): I can’t believe I know such talented people! Marie was AMAZING. It was funny, though, afterwards, she hugged me and she was so wet w/ glow that I thought she’d kissed me for a minute. I need to get the trips co-ordinated, I kinda volunteered…and I’m glad I did. It’ll be fun to see it several times.

4th): After we picked up Chase and Tyler and just brought them back to the family room. Sleepy conversations. We soothed Tyler’s feelings by giving him a vague idea of what goes on PAGS. But did NOT break HOW. Discussions of religious points. Some totally random stuff. Just us, being us, happy and tired. This I love.

And now I’m typing this, because I know I’ve been horribly remiss lately.

Quickie updates on what I can remember: Showed off extensively @ the premier, and was thoroughly satisfied w/ myself. The last half of the book was read in a bit of a zombie-like state. I’ve been meaning to re-read it and form an opinion. Glad to have people I loved around me. Joey annoyed the bad place below out of me on the way home. He protested that Tyler, Jared, and co. were doing it, too…but they have special license, and also know which buttons are labeled “destruct” and which are not, and are careful to push only the safe ones. Joey refuses to learn.

Other Joey (Kimi’s bro) is a darling. Even though he wouldn’t let me get to him @ “Baby, I love you…” Oh, how I love my friends…I do hope we get a good video done, Apt7A was mildly amusing, and we would do a much better job than that. *quick guilty remembrance*: Sorry, Jake.

I do hope the Js will join us this summer. I don’t understand why we scare Shannon so badly. She does NOT strike me as a particularly good friend: she refuses to try and make friends w/ us, who are friends w/ them. WE’RE perfectly willing…and we usually behave pretty well around her, too. Perhaps I should take her some cookies when she gets back, or something…show goodwill. I want her to be comfortable.

Went back to Tony’s. Uneventful. STILL need to go back @ least once more. AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Been a good girl and started considering college. Packing winter clothes, DIing old stuff. Now I have virtually nothing to wear. Realised I am the only girl in the ward going more than four hours away. UT is too insular.

Oh…Amy went to CO w/out warning. Very odd. OotP disc. going according to schedule. *happy hug self*.


What Is Your Animal Personality?

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You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
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What Kind of Smile are You?
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You are Psalms
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I'm a Serval!

Because you're one of the smaller cats, you are often thought of

as an outsider. This doesn't mean you aren't a great person, though -

your big ears serve as a means of gaining greater perception,

and you're an active, fun individual to be around.

I’ve been building up for some time.



April 2017



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