(no subject)
Oct. 21st, 2004 10:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elucrehI hate the fact that my father can mess with my head this badly.
My mother told him that I was thinking of moving out, and so when I got in tonight he wanted to have a "talk." Which means he talks and I listen. And, as he always has been able to, he's attacked me where I feel weakest and messed with my head so badly that I feel like I no longer know which end is up.
He's all, "We love you, and we hope you'll think about it, and we're worried, and..." He's got me thinking that maybe I should trust him and listen to him, which dammit I swore I wouldn't do anymore, because every time I try the situation gets worse and the last time I trusted him I wound up suicidal.
He said that he's noticed that our relationship has been better since the time I started thinking about getting out, and he said that it's wrong and twisted that that's the way we work, and I agree with him, but what I find really sad is no matter how wrong and twisted it is it's true.
He's "worried about my spirituality" and swore while telling me so, which my little inner Snape found highly amusing. Also I find it almost as funny as I do hurtful and just plain idiotic that he finds it more necessary to assure me that he's proud of me than that he cares about me. And really, what he wants is to be proud of me, not to be close to me or have my love or know that I'm happy. And just because the things in me that he wants to proud of aren't the typical things doesn't mean that he cares more about me than he does about the image I present.
Why can't I just...just stop wanting to please him? I want to trust him, to have him as this great role model and mentor and everything, because he's my father and it isn't going to happen and why can't I just accept that instead of wanting so badly to believe him? Every time that hope gets knocked down it hurts more, and it's GOING to be knocked down because he just isn't that person and doesn't care about me and why can't my damned subconscious mind just accept that?
And now...now I don't know what to do.
Because, really, I made this decision while I was fully in possession of my senses for highly valid reasons, and I've been cheered on by every person in the world whose opinion I trust in this kind of matter, and I've worked it all out and I really...think I and the entire household would be much happier if I weren't a part of it. But...now there's this little nagging voice saying that I should give it all another chance and that maybe it can work this time and that if we compromise maybe I can make it...And now I've lost...everything. My sense of purpose. I'm lost and scared and bewildered and I'm crying. Again.
Really...the practicalities are entirely in favor of staying in this house. Of saving more and not having to pay for food and not having to sell my books and all the rest of it. Really, moving out and having to spend $300 a month on rent and managing all the little expenses of living on your own...it's a huge risk at my current financial state. It would probably mean taking about twice or three times or four times as long to complete my education. It's only the psychological stuff like the lack of privacy and the loss of sanity that's approaching because of the effort of dealing with my father and the stress of watching them fight over me that's any possible reason for moving out. And he swears that he'll work on it if I will. And I'm not completely blameless in all this, and I know it, and I can do better.
...So maybe, it's worth it? The practical stuff? Maybe if we both work on it then the price for the money and education will be low enough that it'll be worth it?
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
If anybody has any advice, I'd appreciate it. Real advice, not just sympathy or what I want to hear. My education is very important to me and moving out would mean setting it back a lot. And...it may be worth the sacrifice of a little privacy and a little interference to get my associate's before I'm twenty-four years old.
And with that statement...I can tell the tide is turning in my heart. I'm starting to think I can stick it out for another nine months, which is when they're asking me to stay until. Maybe I can. Maybe in the end I was just being lazy and cowardly and it would be far better for my lifelong goals etc. to just suck it up and work hard and face up to my mistakes and a childhood terror that I really should defeat in order to be mentally healthy anyway.
Help.
My mother told him that I was thinking of moving out, and so when I got in tonight he wanted to have a "talk." Which means he talks and I listen. And, as he always has been able to, he's attacked me where I feel weakest and messed with my head so badly that I feel like I no longer know which end is up.
He's all, "We love you, and we hope you'll think about it, and we're worried, and..." He's got me thinking that maybe I should trust him and listen to him, which dammit I swore I wouldn't do anymore, because every time I try the situation gets worse and the last time I trusted him I wound up suicidal.
He said that he's noticed that our relationship has been better since the time I started thinking about getting out, and he said that it's wrong and twisted that that's the way we work, and I agree with him, but what I find really sad is no matter how wrong and twisted it is it's true.
He's "worried about my spirituality" and swore while telling me so, which my little inner Snape found highly amusing. Also I find it almost as funny as I do hurtful and just plain idiotic that he finds it more necessary to assure me that he's proud of me than that he cares about me. And really, what he wants is to be proud of me, not to be close to me or have my love or know that I'm happy. And just because the things in me that he wants to proud of aren't the typical things doesn't mean that he cares more about me than he does about the image I present.
Why can't I just...just stop wanting to please him? I want to trust him, to have him as this great role model and mentor and everything, because he's my father and it isn't going to happen and why can't I just accept that instead of wanting so badly to believe him? Every time that hope gets knocked down it hurts more, and it's GOING to be knocked down because he just isn't that person and doesn't care about me and why can't my damned subconscious mind just accept that?
And now...now I don't know what to do.
Because, really, I made this decision while I was fully in possession of my senses for highly valid reasons, and I've been cheered on by every person in the world whose opinion I trust in this kind of matter, and I've worked it all out and I really...think I and the entire household would be much happier if I weren't a part of it. But...now there's this little nagging voice saying that I should give it all another chance and that maybe it can work this time and that if we compromise maybe I can make it...And now I've lost...everything. My sense of purpose. I'm lost and scared and bewildered and I'm crying. Again.
Really...the practicalities are entirely in favor of staying in this house. Of saving more and not having to pay for food and not having to sell my books and all the rest of it. Really, moving out and having to spend $300 a month on rent and managing all the little expenses of living on your own...it's a huge risk at my current financial state. It would probably mean taking about twice or three times or four times as long to complete my education. It's only the psychological stuff like the lack of privacy and the loss of sanity that's approaching because of the effort of dealing with my father and the stress of watching them fight over me that's any possible reason for moving out. And he swears that he'll work on it if I will. And I'm not completely blameless in all this, and I know it, and I can do better.
...So maybe, it's worth it? The practical stuff? Maybe if we both work on it then the price for the money and education will be low enough that it'll be worth it?
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
If anybody has any advice, I'd appreciate it. Real advice, not just sympathy or what I want to hear. My education is very important to me and moving out would mean setting it back a lot. And...it may be worth the sacrifice of a little privacy and a little interference to get my associate's before I'm twenty-four years old.
And with that statement...I can tell the tide is turning in my heart. I'm starting to think I can stick it out for another nine months, which is when they're asking me to stay until. Maybe I can. Maybe in the end I was just being lazy and cowardly and it would be far better for my lifelong goals etc. to just suck it up and work hard and face up to my mistakes and a childhood terror that I really should defeat in order to be mentally healthy anyway.
Help.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-22 05:38 am (UTC)2. I have worried about you before, and now I am again.
3. If you made a decision in all sober reflection, and everyone else seems to think it's right, and ONE person's, uh, sounds like a rant is changing your mind, well, again, there could be one person's opinion which is of such value to you that it outweighs everything else, but generally, not so much.
4. If you relationship has been getting better since you've been thinking of moving out, possibly (and I can't say; am not there) that means the whole relief of having decided to do that has made things better. In which case, changing that would likely cause a reversal of that. It doesn't matter who thinks that's the wrong way to relate; if that's how you relate, then that's how it is.
5. Education: valuable. Sanity, peace, independence: priceless.
And that is my advice, unless I think of something else.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-22 05:46 am (UTC)Otherwise, you moving out is a threat that can be held over your father, just as his behaviour-changing is a gift that can be offered to you. Until you hold the gift in your hands and can see that it really exists, don't move back in. Likewise, don't stay and threaten him with your imminent departure. Any change generated under those circumstances will not remain.
If all else fails, remind yourself (and I apologise for sticking my boat oar in again, I don't have the full story) that you are moving out so that you can continue to have a relationship with him (and your mother) that is satisfactory AND to have your mental health at the same time.
Additionally, no one comes as a role model, whatever their role in one's life. It took me a long time to come to terms with the things that I dislike about my father, and I will never, ever see him as a positive role model. A negative one, sure, but he can't change who he is, any more than he has managed to - he's loads better now than he used to be, but he is, by no means, a person I much like. All I can do is recognise that my father is someone I have no wish to be.
On the practicalities issue - I assume you're receiving financial aid - if not, look into it.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-22 06:04 am (UTC)We should talk, chiquita. Tell me when and where. I love you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-22 06:11 am (UTC)If it were me, I'd personally leave. He's hurt you many times before, no guaranteeing that things will improve. It's just his word, which he's broken on many occassions before. It's always been a fight where (a) he wins and/or (b) he'll say he'll try to do better or something along that thread. I'm not seeing anything, and he's laxing because he knows he can. And there is no way in hell I will let you continue like this if he doesn't improve and you stay. The last thing we need is more suicidal thoughts and, with God as my witness, I will not let you do anything stupid.
Yes, agreeing with her again, moving out is a threat to your father, and then maybe he'll work harder for you and your relationship. Your parents love you and only want the best for you, yada yada, this we know, but perhaps this is what you need to heal your relationship with them. Maybe you guys just need time apart to talk things out. Being home hasn't been helping, try something new. It might make him realize quicker that if he doesn't do something relatively soon, he might lose you forever, and that this is the first step, and that's hardly something you or I want to see happen.
I love you and will call you sometime tommorow morning to figure out stuff for when you come. Bring warm clothes and bedding if you want; you and Kimi will have your own beds. You could bring a sleeping bag but a bed, I think, will be far more comfortable. Nights are very chilly up here. Don't forget my Amelie CD, please. Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-22 11:15 am (UTC)Others on this thread have said it far more thoughtfully, so I'll just be succinct: GET. OUT. NOW.
{{{{{Lu}}}}}
MM
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-22 12:40 pm (UTC)Why is this so important? Why not take the easy road and live off your parents for a few more years while you're in school? Because honestly, you need to start learning how hard it is to pay the bills, to feed yourself and just manage it all. College can teach you a lot of things, but it can't teach you to be self-sufficient.
And more than anything else, its the confidence that you will gain from being able to take care of yourself that you need right now. Look at what you just wrote, Lu. You're in shambles.
Better to stand alone on your own two feet eating nothing but Ramen noodles than to cower in your father's house eating a banquet.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-22 12:57 pm (UTC)I think you need to work on your relationship with your father, if you truly want one. If you think it's salvageable, you should try. It's sounds stupid but your relationship with your father can affect all your other relationships with men, whether you want it to or not. It's just another thing that he has control over. If you want that control back you need to set the ground rules.
I'm not saying you need to stay home to do this. In fact, you might have an easier time dealing with your father if you have established your independence elsewhere. The shift in power might be the thing that makes you strong enough to handle what he says and does. Whatever else happens at least you'll know that you tried.
In any case, I think you know in your heart what you want to do. You've wanted your freedom for some time. Don't let his sudden burst of sensibility change your mind.
Good luck in whatever you choose.
Lydia