Ramblings of a total Zack girl

My father seems to have texted me the word 'wassup'

...I really have no idea what to do with that. If he wasn't a dyed-in-the-wool Mormon, I'd worry he was drunk. Or. Or.

...had his brain taken over by...

...by...

...what is the end of that sentence?

...the pledges of Kappa Tau? They probably text wassup.

So, uh.

My grandfather died.


I don't--I don't really know how to feel about this. He was quite old, and fairly senile, and he was a sterling example of the worst of his generation, rife with prejudices and attitudes untouched by the social revolutions that have achieved so much. (Once he told me that we hadn't brought blacks to our level, we'd just sunk down to theirs.) He was a good man by his own lights, but he badly scarred the psyches of my father and all my dad's siblings. And he treated my grandmother and my stepgrandmother so very badly. I've always found him difficult to talk to, to feel affection for.

But he is a huge piece of our family history; not merely the history he lived himself, but history going a long way back. He was obsessed with our genealogy and the stories of our ancestors, and despite his dogged dedication to self-publishing it, we'll never know all he knew.

And however much trouble I have understanding it, my father loved him a lot. And when I was very small, before I understood the big grown-up picture, he called me his Sunshine Girl.

At least now he has found rest, and a freedom from pain. At least now he is no longer helpless, nor ragingly bitter about his helplessness. I hope he is whistling as he crosses the desert, and that those who wanted to see him are waiting for him.

I hate the fact that my father can mess with my head this badly.

( Damn him )

It's time to start hunting for a second job and a one-room apartment. I cannot live under my parents' roof much longer.

There is a bug trying to crawl up my screen and I am confusing the crap out of it by scrolling down when it tries to go up and scrolling up when it tries to go down.

Yes, I am a sadist tonight.

Bite me.

There's nothing bigger around.

*throws rock at father* *borrows rocks from seventeen other people and throws them at father*

Just got an e-mail from my home ward's bishop. "I just realised you just had a birthday. I wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday and tell you that I hope you're not having too hard a time, I know it can be lonely, you can always count on your spiritual councilors blahblahblah..."

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN EARLY NOVEMBER.

It's not enough that the man tell my CURRENT bishop and three different academic advisers and force me to go talk to a complete stranger about it (and they're all basically complete strangers, the most I've spoken to any of them is three hey, how are you conversations), he also CLEARLY went to my former bishop and told HIM.

If I want to be depressed I will damn well be depressed. If I tell you I can and will work it out on my own I damn well want you to stand back and let me work it out on my own. I do NOT want you to go to people I barely know, tell them "all about it" when you know nothing about it, and then ask THEM to interfere while claiming you trust me to handle it myself and that you would never dream of interfering.

And NOW I have to write back to him and NOT say: "Tell my father to stop "telling on me" and stick it in his ear. And btw, thanks for lying to an eighteen-year-old to whom you are supposed to be the spiritual advisor," but instead, "Thanks for caring." I'm sure he meant well, but now I'm just mad at him AND my father.

May 16 (and aren't we ashamed it's been so long...):


Midnight - You are a deep thinker, always searching
for answers and never quite at home. You are
very contemplative, and enjoy being alone with
your thoughts.


When are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I’m starting to get addicted to these things…

Anyway…

That was weird. It’s hard, most of the time, to think of him as a PERSON…but that…it was like me reaching immediately for my DWJ when I’ve just had a fight, or getting in the shower after my accident. He is…real…

I think that’s the word. So often he’s just…a presence, or a monster. He’s never a person, never anything to be aware of except in taking precautions. Sometimes it is so hard to get a real idea of who he is, to see his side of it…but I can over this thing, I really can. It’s like Ma, until she really began to talk about it, to show her acceptance of events and decisions, was never a real person in this conflict either.

But enough of that…to be mulled over later.

Other comments that should have been made MUCH earlier than this:

Finally caved in to temptation and bought the latest DWJ book. Sequel to Deep Secret.

Nowhere near as good. Zem. Okay, I guess, but…really, I think it’s her worst yet. Kind of YotG and DLoD, but reversed, and more extreme. I’m mad. I also succumbed to temptation at eleven and didn’t make myself go to sleep ‘til one-thirty, and I’ve been up late w/ this latest fic, too, altogether not a good thing for my health. Being sleep-deprived makes my head do the weirdest things. It does them to Jen, too, which is a good thing, really…she’s a lot more friendly then. I don’t know why it is that she just all of a sudden withdrew from the circle, but I missed her…she’s a fellow DWJ-person (yay!) and she’s got a great personality in general. Today we were working on those STUPID problems (why doesn’t he just admit he doesn’t really know what to do w/ us?) and actually, I’m enjoying them much more because I get to do them across a desk from her.

Wrote the APE script yesterday, and I think this is going to be a blast. I’m so glad! We’re a great bunch, we really are, when we put our minds to it.

Had a weird dream w/ MPP. Don’t remember much.

OH! Finally realized that Parker IS, in fact, James, when he/they are being intellectual. Parker explaining an integration problem is James answering a Trans. Theory question. The rest of the time it’s just kinda borderline.

Something else…oh. AP Calc. On second thought, let’s not think abt it. Suffice it to say: wrong mode.

Oh, good GRIEF, can’t believe I forgot: GOT THE MAGAZINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my pieces look great, and Werewolf is AMAZING, and Candle Label is still cracking me up—mental note, share w/ Riddles—and the banquet was a smash. And Melina was SO funny when she heard.

Amy’s right. I have no subtlety to me.

Been talking a lot more w/ Kimi lately, in gen, and am very glad of it. I love the way her mind works…I wish she HAD been a staffer, she’d have fit perfectly.

Glad I am not trying to shoot people tonight…

Senior Dinner-Dance tomorrow. I wish there was some way to get this AMAZING Diane-do to last ‘til then. At least I know the dress will be perfect.

Wouldn’t it be weird if I WON Class Clown? Still can’t believe I was even nominated…I’ve never thought of myself that way.

I really need to go chore, and really don’t want to.

Turn off the computer, Kait. Go. Work.