Ramblings of a total Zack girl

I hate these things.

I also hate the fact that my roommate's boyfriend is still here. It's nearly one in the morning and yes, these dorms do have a curfew for male visitors, and I can't concentrate with them talking over there.

Why am I such a coward? I don't even have the incredibly cliche line, "C'mon, girl, you're a Gryffindor," to help me. I should say something...I have an eight o'clock exam I'm not prepared for, I really need to focus and I can't focus with a strange man in my room, especially at one o'clock.

There! I said it. Now I just have to get him out. It always takes him half an hour to go once he's been told to go.

But I did say something. And I'm proud of myself.

Now to go back to panicking over exams, thank you, why didn't I drop Botany when I had the chance? I am such an idiot.

( Special squidging to everyone who sent love and ear-offers last night-- )

Especially to Rox--who really is the absolute angel of mercy, common sense, and psychotherapy--who sat me down, talked me sensible, and let me overflow all over her.

Amiel--who gives advice he doesn't follow but is so amusing. You were just the ballast I needed for the serious tear-inducing emotional overdrive that was going on in my other convo.

And TC--who, although she was "too late," was there, and had a fun conversation to share with me.

So the scales are shaking more towards sticking around here, but being really scared about it. I've been praying and thinking and that's the way they're tilting. Let's keep it up.

Quick update:

First Latin quiz I am positive I did not get one thing wrong on.

Rode shuttle up to airport w/ professor, who was interesting. Rode airplane w/ hyperactive three-yr-old, who was adorable. Took later flight in exchange for $200 voucher.

Got to see people and it was so good. I've missed them so.

Apologies to Andrea, who I meant to IM back but ran out of time to.

You will not be seeing much of me, on chat or boards or other things, till the 21st, as that is when I go back to the life with no fleshy friends. While I'm here, my time is devoured by people who make noise when they talk to me...my dearest friends and fam.

Bethy, darling, I know you're busy, but if you could find the time to beta???? I need time between that and the deadline to do last-minute followings of your advice.

Could and should say so much more, but it's late and I'm drop-over-dead tired. Willy try to be better tomorrow.

Today was a good day to start out with...weather perfect, grey and misty; Latin fun if incredibly difficult (two comPLETEly abnormal pronouns to memorise the declensions of); even Success sit-through-able.

Then I got my Nat. check and put it on my card so I could finally buy books; unfortunately, had to put the WHOLE THING on there. I only needed another fifty or so for my books and had to put 300 on, so that makes 250 that I'll have to not only spend but be able to give sensible acct of to my father. I did indulge myself a bit, got a Latin dictionary which wasn't required but is nice; a book of new quotes in Latin (total frivol, but so fun!) and couple of Pratchetts.

I went to the library and looked up mnemonic stuff. Got out when it decided to rain in earnest and the stupid umbrella turned inside out. To quote Montgomery's Anne, "It is when my umbrella turns out that I lose all faith in inanimate objects," although I would make that cheap Target inanimate objects. I've got to buy another, we've got spring, which = rainy season, coming up.

When I got back things started rolling downhill. You don't want the details, but I am suddenly being violently and painfully ill. I had to get out of the shower a couple of times, and when I got out for good I realised that I didn't have my towel in there with me. Opened the door without my glasses on to grab a blanket to wrap around me (I'm not sure how much was showing) and then came all the way in to look for the towel. I'm so blind w/out my glasses...I thought Lucy was lying on her bed talking on the phone. She was lying on the bed with Scott while I a) stood there without ANYTHING on to grab the blanket, and b) was wrapped in the towel. I didn't even realise it until Lucy said something and made him get out.

I'm still being ill...I don't know what to do. Jay will NOT be at all happy if I miss class tomorrow...I have the stupid oral rpt due, for one...but I'm not sure I can walk across campus without needing access to a loo. It had better improve before tomorrow.

Do not like this. Is unnatural. Also am SO behind on boards/flist/e-mail...came back and have 19! new reviews filling my e-mail inbox.

Cassandra and Kim kidnapped me to watch a chick flick and eat brownies and we had a darling time. I'd like to get to know Abigail's crowd better, they remind me of us.

Did laundry 'til four-thirty. Know will not make 10 o'clock activity if go to sleep now so am eating lots of sugar and catching up on web and showering instead. Eh, it works.

Ady's fic finally got Council approval...YAY! Evybdy go read the new CM fic by Adalanne...she wrote a prequel to Quid Quid. And I'm not just saying this because I know and adore her, or because it's a prequel to mine: it's adorable. If you liked Quid Quid at ALL, you'll like it.

My brain is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead like a pig past butchering day. It’s been slaughtered, squealing piteously, its throat exposed to harsh steel and slit in gushings of blood, until there was only a drained husk of a flabby carcass left.

They hauled it, banging across the ground, through dust and mud and stale pools of its own urine before scalding it and scraping off its protective layers. They hacked it crudely into hunks that could be encased in plastic and labeled. They grilled it slowly over coals straight from Hell’s infernoes, occasionally poking a knife into it, until all the juices that were once lifeblood were cooked away.

They carved it into bits and put it into their jaws and ground and ground it between their incisors and enveloped it in their dissolving saliva until it could be squeezed down long, muscley tubes into a pit of acid, its last remaining value sucked down tentacle villi to give sadistic energy to the things that feed off young agonies.

My mind in now a lost, useless lump, sunk in a porcelain bowl, wending its way down to sewers where rats will come to gnaw at it.

My brain is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead as a hog after butchering.

Last night, talking to Mom, I said: Wouldn't you know, as soon as I bought an umbrella, it stopped raining.

Today it poured.

But I had set aside today for a very specific task, and I steeled my heart, and I marched forth to figure out the transit system. Today I rode the N-Main Red line, gaining access to all the essentials: Barnes and Noble, the public library, Alberston's, and Target. Sure, visitng ONE involves at least an hour and a half, adding on another hour for each stop, but HEY!!!

And I GOT TRICKSTER'S CHOICE!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!! *manaical laughter echoes* I'm loving it...I'm almost halfway through, from all the time at bus stops...and it's really good, but I hope it gets even better...

And I got MAXX Comedy too! I'm RICH!!

Actually, I'm not, I'm now poor because I bought two hardbacks and a new purse (Zemenar! I thought it had longer straps, I may have to take it back but I hope not because otherwise it's perfect so I may just buy a new strap, I don't care how odd it looks). But I have to spend over $200 on food tomorrow, AT THE RESTERAUNTS, because meal points don't carry over. I'll be buying milk and candy bars and PopTarts from the Snackbar for, like, the next two months, but I refuse to let all that money we paid go to waste: it's bad enough I haven't used all my meals.

I also need to use up all my cell minutes, so I get to have LONG CONVERSATIONS with my friends tomorrow--YAY!!

The mood below perfectly fits me AND reminds me of the lovely Deflated *bows flippantly to Bluebottlebutterfly*

Now I'm going upstairs to shower and read a LITTLE bit of my book and go to sleep, because if I let myself miss any more Botany I'm going to fail. Oh...I'm going upstairs because Junk is fried from being on all weekend.

Well, that was a cheerful way to end it...I honestly didn't mean to.

Oh! Cheerful note: computer is now named Junction, since it's where all my friends meet, to be called Junk, for short and for obvious reasons.

Well, it wasn't as cheerful as I'd like...

could hear my suitemate crying...loud, wailing, like a baby...I knocked and I asked if I could help and she just started spilling all how she feels and everything...and suddenly in the middle of it was, "And it was a horrible, horrible summer, and I just started cutting myself..."

I'm so glad I was here, I hope I'll always be here...I hate it that there are people in the world who are that kind of despairing...but I won't take it again, I'll be a friend to her, I don't want another Meggie...

*deep breath*: Sorry, I was just being strong for her and I needed to come here and collapse.

I think I can help...I'm so glad I think I can help. She's going through the same kinds of things I have...though never that extreme, thank God, oh thank you, God...

She's got similar problems with her dad, she's having the kinds of troubles that I did in middle/high school, I can hear what she's saying, I can help...

I hope...

June 24

*choke, gasp* Somebody catch me as I faint.

I just checked my e-mail, and was informed about a "Howdy Week" and was instructed to "get into yOUr world." (For those who missed it--it took me a while--the caps are meant to be the school's intials). It was signed, "Boomer Sooner! *some girl whose name I don't remember*."

HELP! HOW can I be going to NORMAN, OKLAHOMA to become a SOONER??????

How? What the HECK is going on? How did I wing up in this mess?

Amelia: Even if OU offered me a full-ride scholarship, I still wouldn't go. Period. I'm glad though that not only did they give you a full ride but that you also was okay with going. I'm sorry honey...how much I wished you had gone to the UM

Me: I thought so too, I thought I was fine w/ it, and then I saw that e-mail and I just...collapsed...it's so LUDICROUS. So incredibly and...and...ridiculously LUDICROUS.

HOWDY WEEK?

What the heck is...how did I wind up...

Oh, I am fine with it. Really. But my facades just collapsed. Even my facades to me.

There are so many good points...the money, which is not to be sneezed @, I loved the poetry teacher I met, it's a beautiful campus, and of all the great signs I struck up a conversation w/ a random stranger who turned out to be a WRITER in the airport...

But I keep feeling like I'm heading right back to high school. They're obsessed w/ their football team...they HAVE a "Howdy Week", the whole atmosphere is just...so..."Saved by the Bell," I guess. A big part of what I've wanted out of college is to get away from obsession w/ childish "pep rallys" etc...I bet you anything somebody'll be wrestling in condiments/jell-O before I graduate.

Ooooooohhh...

I'm whining. I know I'm whining. But this is one of the hard times...

Amelia: THIS IS AN EXEMPTION TO THE WHINING RULE. I PROMISE.

Me: *puzzled expression*--oh wait, there is one: --What is?

Amelia: C'mon, I can see where you're getting at. I mean the thought of doing high school over again...it's more than I can possibly bear. I'd honestly run away from home and live with my dear, logical, calm aunt/uncle in Cottonwood Heights. I think that the fact you're going to have to deal with high school mentalities all over again is a good enough reason if I ever saw one to rant, rave, and, most importantly, whine.

Me: Okay. And thanks...

It just...it just hits me in waves, you know? And today it caught me at neap tide...

All that got me through that WRETCHED spirit assembly was that it was the last I would have to face...and now I'm seriously starting to suspect it isn't...although it won't be as forced, true, but the thought of going back to being surrounded by people who throw themselves into it (and into Jell-O) wholeheartedly is getting me down.




June 27

I never finished the above entry…but I typed it onto the Euphony board, hence the responses. Then we went on to other things, as we often do. Will I ever find ANYONE to beta that for me? It’s only a tiny short fic, it wouldn’t take very long…

Today was…1st) Peaceful; 2nd)Irritating; 3rd) Amazing; 4th) Pleasant.

1st): Woke up late, watched a bit more of Earnest w/ Mom, sent her off, cleaned up the kitchen, and checked up on the boards. Had to leave for orientation in a bit of a rush.

2nd): Orientation was awful. Horrendously boring, redundant, and irritating. It also took, instead of the hour I was expecting at most, FOUR AND A HALF. I had to run home and quick wrap Marie’s present. Amla was late picking me up, but the concert was

3rd): I can’t believe I know such talented people! Marie was AMAZING. It was funny, though, afterwards, she hugged me and she was so wet w/ glow that I thought she’d kissed me for a minute. I need to get the trips co-ordinated, I kinda volunteered…and I’m glad I did. It’ll be fun to see it several times.

4th): After we picked up Chase and Tyler and just brought them back to the family room. Sleepy conversations. We soothed Tyler’s feelings by giving him a vague idea of what goes on PAGS. But did NOT break HOW. Discussions of religious points. Some totally random stuff. Just us, being us, happy and tired. This I love.

And now I’m typing this, because I know I’ve been horribly remiss lately.

Quickie updates on what I can remember: Showed off extensively @ the premier, and was thoroughly satisfied w/ myself. The last half of the book was read in a bit of a zombie-like state. I’ve been meaning to re-read it and form an opinion. Glad to have people I loved around me. Joey annoyed the bad place below out of me on the way home. He protested that Tyler, Jared, and co. were doing it, too…but they have special license, and also know which buttons are labeled “destruct” and which are not, and are careful to push only the safe ones. Joey refuses to learn.

Other Joey (Kimi’s bro) is a darling. Even though he wouldn’t let me get to him @ “Baby, I love you…” Oh, how I love my friends…I do hope we get a good video done, Apt7A was mildly amusing, and we would do a much better job than that. *quick guilty remembrance*: Sorry, Jake.

I do hope the Js will join us this summer. I don’t understand why we scare Shannon so badly. She does NOT strike me as a particularly good friend: she refuses to try and make friends w/ us, who are friends w/ them. WE’RE perfectly willing…and we usually behave pretty well around her, too. Perhaps I should take her some cookies when she gets back, or something…show goodwill. I want her to be comfortable.

Went back to Tony’s. Uneventful. STILL need to go back @ least once more. AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Been a good girl and started considering college. Packing winter clothes, DIing old stuff. Now I have virtually nothing to wear. Realised I am the only girl in the ward going more than four hours away. UT is too insular.


Oh…Amy went to CO w/out warning. Very odd. OotP disc. going according to schedule. *happy hug self*.

And…MORE QUIZZES!!


What Is Your Animal Personality?
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You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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You are Psalms.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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LJ Barcode LJ username:

Because you're one of the smaller cats, you are often thought of

as an outsider. This doesn't mean you aren't a great person, though -

your big ears serve as a means of gaining greater perception,

and you're an active, fun individual to be around.

I’ve been building up for some time.