Ramblings of a total Zack girl

You know, there's way too much nowadays that makes it onscreen or into print that just makes me sigh, or groan, or feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

I mean, yes, on the other hand, there are freaking amazing things out there, like Stranger than Fiction and the Dresden books and blessed, blessed Supernatural. Proof that hey, people really can write, praise all muses and the Goddesses of the keyboard.

But...well, frankly, I'm beginning to lose track of the good stuff in the midst of the bad.

And I'm not grumbling on my own behalf--I don't write, I know that--but on the behalf of the nearly hundred people I know from various fandoms who I know are working on/trying to sell original fic? Stuff that I've read, or else they're just so good that I totally trust that their original stuff is amazing?

It's really, really depressing.

Apologies to--oh, just about everyone, starting with my professors and going on to the people whose beta jobs are still not done, the mod who graciously gave me an extension, and the friends who went through crises without me.

I've spent the past two-three days either throwing up, falling over due to dizzy spells, or under heavy pain meds that knock me out, and I just--haven't gotten anything done.

I'm nearly caught up on my flist, I spent yesterday afternoon (since the lights had finally stopped making my migraine try to explode my head) catching up on my shows, but--yeah. Nothing else.

And to top it all off, this weekend is filled with family. FILLED.

So--I will do my best. But very, very sadly, I cannot promise much.

My apologies--I have purged my flist.

When I realise that I never read anything but my emergency filter, it's just time to admit it and cut down...not because I'm not fond of you, but because my time is so short.

I am sorry my life is too full to know you better.

I send all my flist, especially, but also all the victims and their families my best wishes and heartfelt prayers.

Let me repeat a plea...if you're on my flist and you're okay, please post briefly that you are. I know there's a community for it, but I'd like to monitor you myself. And if any of you know someone in our fandom who was hurt, please let us know so that we can pray for them and do whatever we can to help.

God, what a way to wake up.

*hugs the world, crying softly*

Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't.
--Legally Blonde

Presumably they don't break down in tears in the middle of a classroom of three-year-olds either.

Therefore, off to the gym!

I'll see you when I've built up enough endorphins to counteract this day.

Job-hunting is the terror of the gods.

Except that they are gods, and can put things like "omnipotence" on their resumes.

Also, they are rarely fired.

Perhaps it is only the terror of mortal beings like me.

But I am terrified. I've been doing it all morning.


In other news, I spent the weekend dutifully watching Sakura. Here is the result: I still don't think much of Anime as an art form, but I will admit that the story actually managed to be intriguing by the end, and that I became fiercely attached to one of the characters. Before he turned out on the side of the angels, thank you. Therefore, I pronounce the series mediocre...not horrible, perfectly tolerable, but certainly not something I would bother ordering off E-Bay.

And my baby boy deserves to be something more than an Anime character. *snuggles Syoran*

Mostly it was amusing because of the (no less than three) incestuous pseudo-stalker relationships. Nobody seemed to have any trouble with having undying romantic love for their cousins, and there was a positively abnormal amount of videotaping people. I found that part highly amusing, but then I am twisted. And the main love interest throughout the whole thing was so sensitive and sweet that I was sure he would turn out to be gay, and then it turned out that he was a supernatural being so I thought, well, that explains it, and then he turned out to be gay after all...*clutches head*



Gram is gone. She died Saturday morning...two days after it was expected. The funeral should be Wednesday or Thursday, giving her twenty-something grandchildren and however many of her seventy-something great-grandchildren as can make it time to get here.

I'm still mostly in my uncomprehending state that--I've discovered in the last year and a half--is always my first reaction to death. Either something will happen to snap me into reality or when I see her at the funeral it'll hit me. For now...I'm a little sad, but mostly it's not real.

Thanks to all of you for your support and sympathy.

When you start labelling your clothes in your head as "the sweater that is a metaphor of my personality"--? It's time to sleep a little more often.

Saturday I spent doing laundry, which subsequently made me brain-dead (laundry always does), which subsequently made me run stop signs entering the freeway. O.O My headache built to a raging crescendo, so Amy drove my car home (sssshhh, don't tell the people who really own the car). Saw Jen and her new dorm, and was sad because she will not be around as much. Said good-bye to my Jessi. Waaaaaah. I will miss her so badly. No more friendly human pillow. And Whitney's less ava too. I hate the end of summer.

FINALLY got my cell phone to work after trying for about a week, thank goodness, though I do have to put up with a new number, in order to confuse people as much as possible.

The project Convince Lu Anime Is WorthWhile is still going full-blast...I'm now under orders to watch Card Captor Sakura. So far it is meh.

Trying to write, and time just disappears...

I spent this afternoon with the latest installment of a murder series, yelling at the characters.

Yes, out loud. I was alone in the house, so I let myself go.

I told Her that she didn't come even close to deserving Him, if she couldn't see how amazing He is and how incredibly incompatible and ridiculous a prospect the other guy is; I told Him that I would be more than glad to spare Him the trouble of competing (competing! ha!) and turn myself over to Him for life. I told Her mother that she needed to back out, and Her brother-in-law that a woman's cabinets are sacred, and Her partner's fiancee that he needs better taste. Then I went back to yelling at Her for not appreciating Him.

Meh. Wah. Books and friends and what seems like the entire world are conspiring against me to make me think that I want a relationship. Somebody to count on and snuggle with. Who can do sweet surprise things (like Diana for her SO) or get my jokes (like Norman for his). Or just be someone to call when I get home and I'm tired.

Even my older sister has somebody now, and while I'm happy for her, and Cimorene knows she deserves it and has waited long enough--I watch them together or even just her talking about him, and I get...wistful.

This is the longest a period of "wanting to have somebody" has lasted, for me...Oh, sure, I've felt the occasional moment when I've wanted to have a guy, but this "moment" has lasted a few weeks now. Possibly this is only a sign of leaving the teenage years, when I didn't really bother with guys as romantic objects, and entering the Next Phase of Life for a girl of my background, which is the Hunting For A Husband Phase.

I don't want to enter that phase until I'm older. I know I don't. It makes absolutely no sense to be HFAH when I'm still a teenager, for pity's sake...I don't want to be married until I've at least got my BA. I know this.

But I want to have somebody in my life. And looking for a relationship at my age, around here, more or less translates into "looking for potential Life Partner."

Piece of crap subculture...*grumblegrumblegrumble*

Last night I met a woman who had been gang-raped.

Rape is one of my deeper, nastier fears; I've never met anyone who'd been raped before, though, and it certainly had an impact--I've had nightmares about rape all night. I'm dead on my feet, but I can't bring myself to try sleep again...

I had all kinds of things to be cheerful about this update, but I can't think of them now. I just wanted to say this, try to get the feel of blood and sweat and screaming out of my head, but it isn't going.

And now he's sunk to the level of "Are you sure you know what God wants from you? I think your personal morality is flawed."

Hah.

The mark of a desperate debater, retreating to the personal insults point. He also said he wasn't going to argue anymore. He knows that was the argument of last resort and that I could refute it and he has nowhere else to run to. He lost at the logical level, he lost at the spiritual level, he gave it a last futile try with the personal insults level, and now he doesn't want to fight anymore.

*sigh*

I'd be a lot happier abt it if I knew I was actually getting through to someone. Making a stand is important, but changing people's minds is moreso.

TC, if you're still interested in my arguments you'll have to take a look at his, too (and you'll probably find it depressing, I do) but it's here. Boggsy Woggsy is the Ady I've been trying to introduce to all of you. King Lem is Colin the desperate. You don't need an EZ acct to post, and anybody who'd like to join in on this is welcome to.